Homesick At 2a.m.

It's 2a.m. I have woken up again in the middle of the night. It's raining outside and the endless patter provides a melancholic music to my sadness.

I reach out for the other side of my bed, like an instinct, expecting to find a loved-one beside me. My arms land not on a warm body, but on the cold softness of a pillow. It provides me with silent companionship and I thank it for its generosity.

I stare at the ceiling. I close my eyes, wishing for sleep to come. Wishing for dreams to bring me back home in my bed in Manila. Nothing happens. I lose the staring match.

I reach for my phone and send messages to my best friend back home. It's midnight there. I realize that she's probably asleep and another text message in the middle of the night would be answered back tomorrow at 10a.m. when she wakes up. My loneliness cannot wait that long.

I try to connect with another lonely soul. A fellow OFW who has been a constant lunch date for months but who probably has found another shelter in the arms of yet another stranger. He replies in gibberish. I feel the futility of my effort and choose to just go back to sleep.

But, like Macbeth, sleep escapes me. My mind is in overdrive, thinking of the decision that brought me here in Saipan. Alone and lonely at 2a.m. on a rainy Saturday night, I start blaming the weather for this crippling melancholy.

"It's probably the weather."

My mind going cynical, "Yeah, right."

The rationalization fails. I don't feel any better. The questions still pour.

"Why?"

Yes, why indeed? Why did I leave the comforts of home. My friends (my ever loyal friends), my job, my family, the people I love. Why did I venture out into this island and left everything familiar. Was is just the money? Or was it the adventure?

Six months in Saipan and I've seen the best and worst in people. Fellow Filipinos who have shown me kindness, who have welcomed me in their homes and treated me like a long lost relative. I am touched by their hospitality. Yes, in a strange land, where I have no one but myself, there are strangers who still have not lost their basic human kindness. It makes me believe that, yes, there is still hope in humanity.

But, I also had encountered the other side of the coin. The wily, scheming foxes who think of nothing other than their own interests. They prey on unsuspecting individuals. I realize, it's a jungle out here. What makes it more difficult is, I do not know, who is the predator, who's ready to attack me anytime.

And so, I learned to be wiser. I trust, but I leave the best part to myself. It's trusting but not really trusting. It's odd, but it's the only way to survive.

Living in a foreign land makes me look deeper inside myself. I could be anything or anyone in a society that has rules different from my own. A society that allows certain relationships not typical in my own. But, I don't judge. I am a citizen of the world and I respect the peculiar set-up. I remember my favorite professor in college. "It's the human condition." Yes, indeed.

I meet people who probably are shy back home, but are now holding important positions in organizations. A picture-perfect family man turns out to be a pathological womanizer. An aloof, introspective person, turns out to be the kindest friend I would have. Some loses focus. Some maintains it. Some refocuses and finds their passions.

The various groups that discuss the social cost of migration crosses my mind. Now, being an OFW, I am one of those who keep the economy of my poor country afloat while enduring the deep and undefined loneliness of foreign shores. I think of the others who like me endure the homesickness while they work in assembly lines, in offices, in hospitals and yes, maybe even in sex dens. I am sure the experience remains the same. We are like orphans, congregating and seeking the warthm of home.

It's probably 3 am. The rains have stopped. The question still nags in my head. WHY?

I refuse to wallow in soap-opera perspective. I don't like tear-jerkers.

I left the comforts of home for various reasons. I left because my soul needed change. My soul was dying of the lack of newness. I was doing the same things for years and the regularity has dulled the meaning of everything. I have outgrown my nest and like a bird poised in flight, I was ready to fly.

I was ready to venture out into the unknown world. The world outside my home. I know that I have to fend for myself here. I rely on my instincts to survive. I cannot be the cry-baby anymore. I have grown-up and I have to face the challenges head-on. I will learn lessons - painful ones, happy ones. I will continue to learn about myself. Faced with different situations, I will look deep into my character and choose what will make me a better person.

Yes, more than the prospect of earning the mighty dollar, it was the need to experience the zest of life once again. Like the hobbits who ventured out from the shire, I know I will eventually go back home, richer with experience. A more defined person and a better individual.

The experience of waking up at 2a.m. for the nth time, is just part of the journey that awaits. I brace myself for the ride and what Saipan has to offer me.