Strip Club - Saipan Style

Sign Board in one of the Strip Clubs along Beach Road

Strip shows are called Exotic Shows. Strippers are called Exotic Dancers.

I've always passed by Chicago-2. It never really caught my attention before. It's located in the Garapan area and perfectly sandwiched between a coffee shop and a store selling surfing gears and stuff.

I used to walk around the area. I remember one Sunday afternoon, when I was so bored to my bones. I went inside the coffee shop inspecting the pastries and the bread. Nothing looked good. I checked-out the displays in the surf store. I tried the flip-flops but nothing compared to the comforts of my favorite pair of Havaianas.

It was a Friday. Someone was celebrating his birthday and most of the people from my office came for dinner. At dinner we discussed about strippers. I told them that when I was in Bangkok, we went to this show in Patpong where girls performed various acts which to me now, seemed like a circus or a magic show.

One officemate suggested that we go and watch a strip show. I've never been to one here and so, I said, "OK. It's for educational purposes."

Four of us went. I was the only Pinoy in the group. 2 guys, Mildred and I. Mildred is one of the girls in my office who's really nice to me. She's never been to a strip club before and both of us were quite curious what goes on inside a strip club.

So, we went to this Chicago-2 Club in Garapan. At around 11pm, there were quite a handful of customers enjoying themselves with the show. The place was just small, about the size of a regular restaurant. There was a bar and a stage where about 5 naked girls were dancing. Others were entertaining the customers. Around the stage were stools, where the guys sit and do their thing.

We didn't sit at the stools. We took the sofa instead. I got the shock of my life when I saw what was happening. The girls were allowing the men to touch them. One of my officemates got dollar bills from his wallet and started to call one of the girls on stage by waving the dollar. The girl came to him and sat on his lap. I didn't notice where his hands went, but he was kissing the girl's breast. The girl got the dollar from him and went back to the stage. The men were boisterous. The girls went to their customers walking around naked and letting the men, touch, grope, kiss and fondle them. Just for a dollar!

My other officemate called another girl. This time the girl came to him and did a lap dance. He inserted the dollar bill inside the girl's vagina and with a kind of hollow laughter the girl said "Thank you."

I didn't know what I felt exactly at that point. I was looking at this girl dancing on the stage with nothing but a belt as her costume. She looked like Scarlet Johansson in Match Point. She was smiling and I wonder if she was on drugs. Another girl went to the pole and hung there upside down like a monkey. One did a split without any underwear on.

I was feeling nervous. My hands were clammy. I kept saying, "Oh my god!" like an idiot. I wanted to cry for those girls. I wanted to murder those men right there and then. Those dancers were Filipinas. Those naked girls were my kababayans and I was watching them with the Chamorros beside me. I felt so degraded. I wanted to get a blanket and cover their nakedness. They were young, barely out of their teens. The girl who went near us had breasts no bigger than a plum. I thought she was just around 16 or younger.

My officemate was saying, "Relax! It's for educational purposes, right?" How could I relax? It was like staring at my own nakedness. Then he said, "You know what? It would take $200 to have sex with those girls." And there are rooms upstairs where one could let out the heat so to speak.

When we came out, I let out a scream. My hands were cold and I wanted to cry but I bit my lips because I don't want the Chamorros to see my reaction. I didn't want them to think that I was a baby.

When I went home, I wasn't able to sleep. I wrote about my experience and I texted my fellow contract worker in the bank. I was so disappointed with his replies. He said that those girls were making more money than I was. That he adores them and that some of his "fwends" have the same job. That those girls chose that job and I should not feel pity for them. I thought that he lacked compassion for his fellowmen.

I was in bed but sleep never came. I kept thinking what made those girls choose that job? What circumstances of fate led them to that? How could they do that job? Being naked and being touched by strangers every night, what do they feel? When they dance, what do they think about? Do they create "movies in their minds" too, like Gigi in Miss Saigon? What do they dream about?

While attending Mass on a Sunday after the Chicago-2 experience, I felt weird inside the church. I was looking at people trying to decipher who looked like a stripper. One can never know unless one looks at their faces intently. Actually, they looked pretty on stage, maybe because of the spotlight. But when they go down and if you look at them closer, they look older. They look wasted. One even had a badly fitted dentures.

The scenes I saw kept repeating in my mind. Two events actually caught my attention. The first one was, this guy who looked like a construction worker (He was just wearing shorts and a faded T-shirt. He was wearing rubber slippers too.). He was calling one of the girls and he had a lot of dollar bills. One girl was actually concentrating on him. She never left his side. They were talking and the guy's hands was all over her body. I kept thinking, who was actually fooling whom? The guy maybe was just an ordinary worker who earns $3.05 an hour, drilling the road under hot Saipan sun and carrying heavy equipment. While the girl, was taking all his money, just for the priviledge of touching her private parts. She was actually earning more than he does.

The other scene was a naked girl sitting on one guy's lap. She was bent over and the guy was touching her breasts. Then, 4 guys were milling around her and were touching her too. I saw her eyes and I felt that she was pleading for help. The guys were actually taking advantage of her already because only one of them was paying. The others were groping for free. She was trying her best to protect her body but she can't do anything. She didn't want to displease her customers. She was just laughing and trying to ward off 10 sweaty and dirty hands.

I shared my experience with some accountant friends and one of them told me that she went to a strip club too. She went to Club Jama. It was nasty she said. It was the same thing. She felt the same too. Embarrassment. Pity. Wonder. Gratitude to circumstances that gave her a fate better than those girls.

Strip clubs are common here in Saipan. Underaged Pinays who came here under a different name (a common practice is to get an older person's birth certificate and assume her identity). They are called exotic dancers. The clubs even advertise. Club Jama is in Saipan Tribune almost everyday. A strip club called Moonite has a picture of its dancers posted outside. Club 820 is a Korean restaurant by day and a strip club by night. It even has a new branch along Beach Road. Club Happiness in Paseo de Marianas caters to Japanese tourists. There's also Club Macau just across it. I can't understand the poster on its doors because it's written in Japanese. The only familiar character is $25. Maybe that's the admission price.

The experience kept me insomniac for 2 nights. When I went back to the office on Monday, the emotions just poured out of me. I told Tita Lee (another Pinay working for the bank but is an American citizen now) about it and I cried. I felt so awful. I felt angry. I felt so much compassion for my fellow Pinays. I would never wish that kind of job even to my worst enemy.

I thought of Gabriela -an NGO that promotes the welfare of women. I thought of Abanse-Pinay. I thought of Rina Jimenez-David. I thought of Marra Lanot. I thought of Joy Barrios. I thought of Atty. Katrina Legarda. I thought of all the feminists who work to make society be aware that women are not commodities. My respect for them grew a hundredfold. Deep in my heart, I wished that more women continue to dedicate their lives to fight for better and equal society.

I am posting a poem by my favorite poet - Pablo Neruda. I wish I could write poetry as beautifully as he does. I want to dedicate this poem to all the Pinays here in Saipan who work at those Strip Clubs.

Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks

All those men were there inside
when she came totally naked.
They had been drinking; they began to spit
Newly come from the river, she knew nothing
She was a mermaid who had lost her way
The insults flowed down her gleaming flesh
Obscentities drowned her golden breasts
Not knowing tears sh did not weep
Not knowing clothes she did not have clothes
They blackened her with burnt corks and cigarette stubs,
and rolled around laughing on the tavern floor
She did not speak because she had no speech
Her eyes were the color of distant love
twin arms were made of white topaz
Herlips moved, silent, in a coral light
and suddenly she went out by that door
Entering the river she was cleaned
shining like a white stone in the rain
and without looking back she swam again
swam towards emptiness, swam towards death.

Kumustahan sa Asia Pacific Concert in Saipan

Linggo. September 24, 2006. Excited kami nina Cathy at Cecille. Manonood kami ng concert ng APO Hiking Society, Nanette Inventor at Rachel Alejandro. Gaganapin ang concert sa Hopwood Junior High dito sa Saipan.

My ticket was worth $10 (P500). Last month ko pa ito binalak bilhin. First time ko to watch a concert here in Saipan.

The show started at around 7pm. Medyo may ambon ng konti kaya madaming nakapayong. Nakakatuwa kasi parang baratillo show lang sa probinsya ang dating. Isang maliit at payak na stage sa isang school, walang back-up dancer at walang band.

Si Dona Buding ang nag start ng show. As usual, classic si Nanette Inventor. Buhay OFW ang kwento nya. Mga experiences ng isang probinsyana na nangarap mag Japan (hindi pumasa sa audition kasi ibang "cultural dancer" ang hanap ng recruiter), tapos nag-apply bilang DH sa Hongkong (napeke naman so hanggang airport lang sya), naging DH sa Singapore at napadpad sa Saipan bilang cook at sewer. She presented the story in a funny way pero yung comedy nya parang sa Comedy Central. Nakakatawa pero may kurot sa puso. Isang sewer na 25 hours nagtatrabaho tapos nakatira sa barracks at ang katabi sa isang single bed ay isang Pakistani na hindi mahilig maligo. Hay, ang buhay OFW nga naman. Kumita lang ng dollar, kahit ano susuungin at titiisin.

Si Rachel Alejandro, sexy pa rin. Magaling sumayaw kaya lang ang weird tingnan ng isang performer na bigay todo pero walang back-up dancer sa stage. Para tuloy syang kawawa. Of course, kinanta nya yung favorite ni Cecille na "Nakapagtataka."

Syempre the stars of the show was the trio of Jim, Buboy and Danny, otherwise known as the Apo Hiking Society. They sang their classic songs like Ewan, Awit ng Barkada, Paano and many more. As usual ang galing ng mga antics ng APO. The most applauded was the modern version of the classic pinoy folk songs, like Felimon, Waray-waray, Magtanim ay di Biro etc.

I was ecstatic and giddy. I felt like I was back in the Philippines. I was listening to the songs of my childhood. Nanette sang classic Imelda Papin, Claire dela Fuente Songs. The songs played on the radio when I was young. It's funny but I was singing along. I knew all the lyrics by heart. Cecille was humming along because she wasn't that familiar with some of the songs. Cathy, who is much younger than us, enjoyed the songs but didn't know the lyrics very well. Singing along with the APO was like a revelation of how music seeps into one's subconscious. I listened to those songs when I was younger and I never exerted an effort to memorize them, but the lyrics came pouring in like rain.

The last song was "Ako ay Pilipino." I remember that song very well. It was our graduation song in grade school. It's an original Kuh Ledesma song. It was very touching hearing that song again. It just makes me feel, that yes, we Pinoys are really wonderful race except that we seem not to know it. It seems like we have so much potential for greatness but we always make the wrong choices when it comes to politics and many other things.

Its just so "jologs" that people didn't seem to know what to do in a concert. They just stood there (well the people near us) and never reacted. They didn't sway to the music. They didn't sing along and they just watched! Sabi nga ni Cecille, "Mukhang dinala nila ang problema nila dito sa concert."

After the show, we sat down at the $30 section. We were so tired standing for more than 2 hours. People were milling around the stage trying to get Nanette and Rachel's autograph. They bought CDs. I wanted to buy an APO CD (I was willing to shell out $15 for it) but they didn't have any. We were really feeling jologs that time, so we took pictures too. Cecille got Rachel's autograph and posed for pictures with her. Buhay OFW. Sino ang mag-aakala na gagawin ko ito. My friends back home would howl in laughter when they read this.

Dito Po Sa Saipan

"Doon po sa amin
Sa bayan ng San Roque
May nagkatuwaang
Apat na pulubi
Sumayaw ang pilay
Kumanta ang pipi
Nanood ang bulag
Nakinig ang bingi."
- from a Filipino Folk Song-

Dito sa Saipan, madaming kakaiba. Bukod sa mga itsura ng mga tao at ugali nila, heto pa ang ibang mga bagay-bagay na kakaiba dito sa isla. Nung makita namin ng mga kaibigan ko ang sign sa Marpi pool, hindi namin napigilan ang matawa ng malakas. Halos maglupasay kami sa katatawa kasi ang kulit-kulit ng sign. Tapos yung Bing,Beng,Bang na pangalan ng restaurant. Naaliw kami ng sobra. Kapag nalulungkot ako at sobrang homesick, tinitingnan ko ang mga pictures na ito. I find them really funny. Dito lang sa Saipan meron nito.











"Blood Stains" on the Pavement

Madami kang makikitang "blood stains" sa mga daraanan mo dito. Sa sidewalk, madami kang mapapansin na "Dugo" Pero huwag kang matakot. Hindi dugo yan. Walang lasenggong nag-away at nagsaksakan kagabi. Galing yan sa mga bibig ng mga typical na Chamorro. Ano yan? Hulaan mo!













Elephant Market

Ano kaya ang binebenta nila sa tindahang ito? Nagbebenta kaya sila ng elepante? Mala-elepante kaya ang tindera? O kasing laki ng elepante ang mga tinitinda nila? Kung nagbebenta sila ng elepante, magkano naman kaya ang isa? May baby elephant kaya? Hmmmm........makapag window shop nga..........Arrrggghhhh!!!! Natapakan ako ng elepante!!!!!!!!!

Mga nakatutuwang pangalan ng tindahan dito sa Saipan

HAPPY MARKET - This created a bit of confusion for me. Are the owners trying to describe the store per se? Or are they describing the stuff they are selling? Is the market really happy? Or is this the place where you could buy "Happiness?"

NEW HAPPY MARKET - If this is the "New" happy market, where is the "Old" happy market? O di ba? Nalungkot na ba kaya nagpalit ng pangalan? Subsidiary kaya sya ng Happy Market?

NEW DOLPHIN WHOLESALE - Bawal magbenta ng dolphin di ba? Endangered specie yun. Ano naman kaya ang gagawin mo sa dolphin na binili mo sa tindahang ito? And take note, wholesale ang bentahan. Bawal ang tingi o retail.

Ang Sign sa Marpi Pool

Hindi rin masyadong makulit ang sign na ito di ba? Pag nagpumilit ka pa namang pumasok sa pool kapag walang lifeguard, aba eh, ewan ko na lang. Sinabi na nga na "All other times the pool is closed to swimmers. No lifeguard on duty when the pool is closed."







Ang pinaka-creative na pangalan para sa isang restaurant: BING, BENG, BANG

Ano kaya ang specialty dun sa restaurant na yun. Nasa may Garapan area ito. Tanghaling tapat nga nung kinuhanan ko ng picture ito eh. Ang tyaga ko rin ano? Ganito yata talaga kapag super bored at walang magawa. he!he!he!

Buhay Saipan

Probinsya!!!.

Yan ang una kong impression sa Saipan. Dumating ako dito nung February 8, 2006. First time OFW. Natanggap ako bilang Internal Auditor ng isang bangko dito sa Saipan. Nagsawa na ako sa pulitika sa dati kong kompanya kaya tinanggap ko ang bagong trabahong ito. Naghahanap din siguro ako ng adventure at bagong experiences kaya hindi na ako masyadong nagpatumpik-tumpik pa ng dumating ang oportunidad na ito.

Hindi ko hinanap ang trabahong ito. Kusang dumating sa akin. Hindi ako naghirap para makuha ito. Siguro para sa akin talaga. Siguro binigyan ako ng buhay ng pagkakataon para malasap ulit ang saya, lungkot, takot at kawalan ng kontrol minsan sa mga pangyayari sa buhay.

Ang Saipan ay parang Pangasinan o Laguna. Magkakakilala ang mga tao sa islang ito. Dalawang oras lang at pwede mo nang maikot ang buong isla. Pero kung ako ang magmamaneho, siguro tatlong oras aabutin. (Sumusunod kasi ako sa speed limit eh.)

Walang masyadong matataas na building dito sa Saipan. Mataas na sigurong maituturing ang Saipan Grand Hotel, Hafa Adai, Hyatt at Hotel Nikko. Malakas daw kasi ang bagyo dito (naiisip kong parang Batanes) kaya hindi advisable ang mataas na buildings. Purong semento dapat ang gagamitin mo kapag nagpatayo ka ng bahay o anumang structure dahil kung hindi, hindi tatagal sa bagyo. Nasa gitna kasi ng Pacific Ocean ang Saipan at walang bundok or anumang natural structure na pwedeng maging shield kung may bagyo.

Wala ding traffic dito sa Saipan. Hindi katulad sa EDSA kapag rush hour. Madali lang mag-drive dito. Para sa isang duwag na katulad ko, I consider learning how to drive one of the major accomplishments I have of Saipan.

Mababait naman halos lahat ng driver. Sumusunod sa batas trapiko (na patterned after the US) dahil ang mahal ng bayad sa traffic violations. Natikitan na nga ako ng pulis dahil ang isa sa mga pasahero ko ay hindi naka seatbelt. Ayun, $50 ang bayad.

Nung bago ako nagdesisyon na tanggapin ang trabaho, isa sa mga naisulat kong benefits ay ang "to improve and practice my english." Juice ko day, puro Pinoy pala ang matatagpuan ko dito sa Saipan. Ni hindi nga ako required na magsalita ng English daily. Makakaraos ako sa isang araw na hindi man lang nagsasalita ng English. At iba ang grammar dito. Dahil siguro ang mga Pinoy dito, karamihan ay blue-collar workers, yung English medyo Erap style. Pati mga DJ sa radio, naku, dudugo ang tenga ng English teacher ko kapag narinig kung paano mag pronounce ng words ang mga DJ dito. Example, ang bandang The Dawn ay nagiging The Down. At ang greeting on a Friday night is "Happy Weekends po sa inyong lahat." Ay, mali! Nakakatawa. Nakakatuwa. Nakakainis. Kaya kapag kausap ko ang boss namin na Amerikano, ay, medyo naghahagilap ako ng tama at angkop na terms. Minsan nga naiisip ko, nag deteriorate na yata ang aking English speaking ability.

Walang showbiz dito sa Saipan. The closest thing they could have of showbizness is the radio. May popular na pinoy station dito. Tagalog ang salita. OPM ang tugtog. OPM na may April Boy Regino at Imelda Papin. (Jologs na maituturing pero kapag OFW ka, songs could be your link to home). Uso ang request and dedication format. Kaya ang mga DJ feeling artista. Showbiz ang dating.

Uso din ang tsismis dito. Naisip ko na dahil ang liit ng isla at walang masyadong mapagkaabalahan ang mga tao, sila-sila na lang ang nag-uusap tungkol sa kani-kanilang mga kapitbahay at kakilala. Isang usual na pangyayari or set-up sa mga probinsya. Ang pinakamalaking usapan dito ay tungkol sa mga relasyon. Mga relasyong alternatibo. May mga asawa sa Pilipinas pero may mga asawa o girlfriends dito sa Saipan. Minsan may nakausap ako na matagal na dito sa Saipan. 8 years na sya dito at nagtrabaho sya bilang HR manager sa isang construction company. Ang dami-dami nyang kwento. Nakakalungkot. Nakakagulat. Pero sa isang banda, naiintindihan ko dahil naramdaman ko kung gaano katindi ang lungkot dito sa isla. Sa isang taong sanay mawalay sa pamilya at nakakadama pa rin ng kalungkutan, alam ko kung gaano kalalim ang lungkot ng pag-iisa.

Commercial cleaner, waitress, cook, katulong, accountant, karpintero, mason, utility persons, hotel staff, prostitutes, beautician. Yan ang mga usual na trabaho ng mga Pinoy dito sa Saipan. Sa bansang katulad natin na P250/day ang minimum wage, ang $3.05/hr na minimum wage dito sa Saipan ay isa nang napakalaking halaga para sa kanila. Minsan, nagsimba ako, ang pari Pinoy din. Minsan naman, nagkayayaan kami ng mga kaopisina ko na pumunta sa isang strip bar, ang mga dancer na hubo't hubad ay mga Pilipina. Naisip ko, ang mga Pinoy nga naman. Extremes. Iba-iba ang mukha. Iba-iba ang kapalaran, pero pare-pareho. Ang pari at ang dancer sa club ay parehong "bridges to heaven." Iyong isa, sa susunod na buhay samantala iyong isa dito sa pangkasalukuyang buhay.

Chamorro ang tawag sa mga natives ng Saipan. Matataba sila (dahil siguro mahilig silang kumain ng barbeque at hindi masyadong nag-e-exercise), bilugan, maitim at karamihan pula ang ngipin dahil sa nganga. Weird nga dito, kasi pati teenagers nganga ang nginunguya. Naisip ko tuloy ang mga teenagers sa Pilipinas, nungka na ngumuya ng nganga. Lolo at lola lang ang nagnganganga sa atin di ba? Pero dito sabi nga ni Nanette Inventor, payat sya kapag natabi sya sa mga Chamorita. Naku, naisip ko, siguro malnourished ang tingin nila sa akin. Mababait naman sila. Pareho din ang kultura dahil sinakop din sila ng Espanya. Mga Katoliko pero hindi masyadong uso ang kasal dito. Pwedeng magsama kahit hindi kasal at iyon ay normal lang. (Pag sa Pilipinas, naku eskandalo ito). Dahil nga US territory sila, ang mga batas ay US din. Unique lang sa kanila yung immigration policies kaya ang mga Pinoy type dito sa Saipan. Pag nagkaanak ka dito, Agila agad ang passport (read: US citizen). Eh, syempre tayong mga Pinoy, "litlle brown americans" so, Saipan is the closest one could get to US soil.

7 months na ako dito sa Saipan. 1 year ang contract ko. Ang dami kong natutuhan. Maraming nakakalungkot na aral lalo na tungkol sa pakikipag-kaibigan. Marami din namang masaya lalo na tungkol sa mga bagay na hindi ko kayang gawin dati pero ngayon kaya ko nang gawin. 5 months na lang, tapos na ang contract ko. Ang isang taon na ito ay isang episode ng buhay na hindi ko makakalimutan. Sana matapos ito na walang aberya at sana matapos ito na patuloy pa rin akong naniniwala na kahit iba-iba ang naging karanasan ko sa pakikitungo sa kapwa Pinoy, the best pa rin ang Pinoy. Mabait. Mapagmahal sa pamilya. Hospitable. Matalino. Masayahin at higit sa lahat, magaling kumanta.

Homesick At 2a.m.

It's 2a.m. I have woken up again in the middle of the night. It's raining outside and the endless patter provides a melancholic music to my sadness.

I reach out for the other side of my bed, like an instinct, expecting to find a loved-one beside me. My arms land not on a warm body, but on the cold softness of a pillow. It provides me with silent companionship and I thank it for its generosity.

I stare at the ceiling. I close my eyes, wishing for sleep to come. Wishing for dreams to bring me back home in my bed in Manila. Nothing happens. I lose the staring match.

I reach for my phone and send messages to my best friend back home. It's midnight there. I realize that she's probably asleep and another text message in the middle of the night would be answered back tomorrow at 10a.m. when she wakes up. My loneliness cannot wait that long.

I try to connect with another lonely soul. A fellow OFW who has been a constant lunch date for months but who probably has found another shelter in the arms of yet another stranger. He replies in gibberish. I feel the futility of my effort and choose to just go back to sleep.

But, like Macbeth, sleep escapes me. My mind is in overdrive, thinking of the decision that brought me here in Saipan. Alone and lonely at 2a.m. on a rainy Saturday night, I start blaming the weather for this crippling melancholy.

"It's probably the weather."

My mind going cynical, "Yeah, right."

The rationalization fails. I don't feel any better. The questions still pour.

"Why?"

Yes, why indeed? Why did I leave the comforts of home. My friends (my ever loyal friends), my job, my family, the people I love. Why did I venture out into this island and left everything familiar. Was is just the money? Or was it the adventure?

Six months in Saipan and I've seen the best and worst in people. Fellow Filipinos who have shown me kindness, who have welcomed me in their homes and treated me like a long lost relative. I am touched by their hospitality. Yes, in a strange land, where I have no one but myself, there are strangers who still have not lost their basic human kindness. It makes me believe that, yes, there is still hope in humanity.

But, I also had encountered the other side of the coin. The wily, scheming foxes who think of nothing other than their own interests. They prey on unsuspecting individuals. I realize, it's a jungle out here. What makes it more difficult is, I do not know, who is the predator, who's ready to attack me anytime.

And so, I learned to be wiser. I trust, but I leave the best part to myself. It's trusting but not really trusting. It's odd, but it's the only way to survive.

Living in a foreign land makes me look deeper inside myself. I could be anything or anyone in a society that has rules different from my own. A society that allows certain relationships not typical in my own. But, I don't judge. I am a citizen of the world and I respect the peculiar set-up. I remember my favorite professor in college. "It's the human condition." Yes, indeed.

I meet people who probably are shy back home, but are now holding important positions in organizations. A picture-perfect family man turns out to be a pathological womanizer. An aloof, introspective person, turns out to be the kindest friend I would have. Some loses focus. Some maintains it. Some refocuses and finds their passions.

The various groups that discuss the social cost of migration crosses my mind. Now, being an OFW, I am one of those who keep the economy of my poor country afloat while enduring the deep and undefined loneliness of foreign shores. I think of the others who like me endure the homesickness while they work in assembly lines, in offices, in hospitals and yes, maybe even in sex dens. I am sure the experience remains the same. We are like orphans, congregating and seeking the warthm of home.

It's probably 3 am. The rains have stopped. The question still nags in my head. WHY?

I refuse to wallow in soap-opera perspective. I don't like tear-jerkers.

I left the comforts of home for various reasons. I left because my soul needed change. My soul was dying of the lack of newness. I was doing the same things for years and the regularity has dulled the meaning of everything. I have outgrown my nest and like a bird poised in flight, I was ready to fly.

I was ready to venture out into the unknown world. The world outside my home. I know that I have to fend for myself here. I rely on my instincts to survive. I cannot be the cry-baby anymore. I have grown-up and I have to face the challenges head-on. I will learn lessons - painful ones, happy ones. I will continue to learn about myself. Faced with different situations, I will look deep into my character and choose what will make me a better person.

Yes, more than the prospect of earning the mighty dollar, it was the need to experience the zest of life once again. Like the hobbits who ventured out from the shire, I know I will eventually go back home, richer with experience. A more defined person and a better individual.

The experience of waking up at 2a.m. for the nth time, is just part of the journey that awaits. I brace myself for the ride and what Saipan has to offer me.